


I'm Not That Boy

by musicalsmarvelandmore



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Confused EJ, Gay E.J. Caswell, Homophobia, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 13:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22496989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicalsmarvelandmore/pseuds/musicalsmarvelandmore
Summary: Spring semester, everything is better at East High. EJ and Ricky have resolved their issues, and everyone is gearing up for the spring musical. Until Ricky gets a new boyfriend, and then everything feels wrong. EJ doesn't know what's going on, but he doesn't want to ruin everything. Why doesn't he support Ricky when he supports Carlos? Nothing makes any sense, but EJ has to figure it out.
Relationships: Ashlyn Caswell & E.J. Caswell & Gina Porter, E.J. Caswell & Carlos Rodriguez, E.J. Caswell & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen & E.J. Caswell, Ricky Bowen/E.J. Caswell, Seb Matthew-Smith/Carlos Rodriguez
Comments: 26
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

So many things had happened since the fall musical, and overall, EJ thought things had gone well. He had applied for colleges, but no one mentioned he’d be gone next year. Finally, it seemed like things had settled down among the theater kids.

Sure, he was single, but that wasn’t that big a deal. He’d been single ever since Nini had broken up with him all those months ago. Even though he had missed her at first, he knew that he had royally screwed up, and he was happy that she was happy. High school relationships were messy, and he was heading off to college soon. He didn’t want to get involved in anything that he’d end up regretting.

He had also gotten close with Ricky, of all people. EJ had never seen that one coming, but he couldn’t say that he regretted it. The boy was funny, and even though they had different interests, they also had a lot in common. EJ would never admit it, but the songs the other boy wrote impressed him. They kind of had to get along, for the sake of all of their mutual friends, but after they got on decent terms, they also started hanging out a lot just the two of them.

EJ didn’t expect to get along with all those underclassmen, but things had happened. He had known the kids in his grade and on his team forever, but these sophomores and juniors just understood him in a way that his other friends couldn’t

Gina had moved into Ashlyn’s, at least for the time being. The situation was complicated and while EJ wasn’t sure about all the details, he was glad that he had bought that plane ticket for Gina to get her to opening night of the play. Currently, EJ was over there, hanging out with the two girls. He had always spent a lot of time with Ash, and while things were different with Gina there, it wasn’t actually bad. Different, but in a good way. Both he and Gina had made mistakes, but were trying to be better. Ashlyn rolled her eyes at the two of them often, but hanging out just the three of them was easy. It was also handy when inviting the others over.

When the conversation came up, they had a movie playing while all three of the teens were browsing through their social media accounts and snapchatting their friends. It was a Disney musical that both Ashlyn and Gina wanted East High should put on, since Miss Jenn still hadn’t announced the spring musical. Everyone was desperately waiting for the announcement.

“Guys, have you checked insta? Ricky has a new boyfriend!”

EJ forced himself not to look away from the movie, but he felt his hands clench, and EJ didn’t know why. He wasn’t homophobic. Heck, he helped Carlos to get up the courage to confirm that he and Seb were dating after they went to homecoming together.

He said nothing, as the girls talked about the picture of Ricky and his new boyfriend, apparently being really cute. Things between Ricky and EJ were finally good, and EJ would not screw it up, especially since he knew everyone would take Ricky’s side, because Ricky deserved it. He just couldn’t let himself say anything stupid, because contrary to popular belief, EJ knew when he was being an idiot sometimes.

“EJ?” Gina asked. “Didn’t you hear me? Are you okay?”

He forced a smile on his face, though he was sure that it looked as pasted on and fake as it felt. “I’m fine. Just trying to keep track of the dialogue.”

Ash came over and sat by him, showing him the picture on her phone. “See? I’m glad he was finally got over Nini, though I’m sure you would have preferred it was while you were still dating her.”

The picture in question showed Ricky and a boy holding hands and grinning at each other, like they were part of an inside joke no one else got. The caption read, “Me and my boyfriend, Adam!” Below that, there were a bunch of comments talking about how cute the brand new couple was.

EJ swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Yeah, cool. And no, it’s fine talking about Nini, you know that. She’s been texting me about all the cute people with her in Denver. We’re better when we’re not together. I mean, I want to win, but not with Nini anymore.”

Ash smiled, before looking at his face and frowning. “Hey, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. But I have to go. I forgot that I have homework to do.”

He was out the door with his phone and keys, not looking back and Gina and Ash. He was sure that they were staring at him, but right now, EJ couldn’t care less.

What was he even thinking? Ricky could date anyone he wanted to, even Nini if she wanted him back. Was EJ homophobic? He didn’t want to be. He wanted to be there for his friends, so no one could find out about this, not even Ashlyn, who he typically trusted with everything, even that stupid song he had written for Nini all those months ago.

God, EJ really was just an idiot. Sure, he tried to keep it on the down low, but that made nothing else better.

He just felt so guilty. Sure, no one needed to find this out, but that didn’t change the fact that EJ knew the thoughts going on in his head and somehow, he wasn’t happy for Ricky’s new relationship, even though he should be. He didn’t want anymore drama and issues for the rest of his high school career, and everyone would support Ricky if this came out, because EJ was in the wrong.

EJ was just going to have to figure out how to get over this, ideally with no one else having any clue what was going on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after Ricky gets a boyfriend, EJ is struggling

It was about a month after Ricky and that boy had gotten together. EJ had had to mute his friend on instagram. Did he feel guilty about it? Yes. He should have been able to fix this by now, but clearly he was just incapable of doing something like that. When had things gotten this bad? He had been trying to be a better person. EJ thought he had been getting better, up until now.

Seriously, this sucked. Like most things he did in his life, EJ had no clue what he was doing, but this was even worse since he couldn’t ask anyone about it to get him on the right track. He had accidentally gotten himself into this situation, even though he wasn’t exactly sure how, but that didn’t make things any easier.

He had taken to avoiding one-on-one situations with Ricky. Before all of this happened, they had been getting closer, spending a lot of time together, but now, EJ was afraid that he would slip up. He wanted to support Ricky and his bisexuality, he really did, but he just couldn’t. Every time Ricky or someone else mentioned Ricky’s boyfriend, EJ felt something flare deep within him, and he was afraid that he would make a mistake and accidentally say something. He didn’t want to be that person. He had tried not to be, but it didn’t help.

EJ didn’t know why he had to be like this, but the only thing he could do was get over it. He wasn’t having much success in that department. Oh well. Things were just going to have to get better sometime. He didn’t have any other options.

They were at practice for the spring musical. EJ was figuring out plans for the next water polo match, listening to music when he felt someone standing over him.

He looked up to see Ricky, and something squeezed in his chest. EJ didn’t know what, but that was irrelevant for now, because Ricky looked ticked.

“What’s your problem?” Ricky looked mad, and EJ wracked his brain, trying to figure out what he must have done wrong this time. There were a lot of minor things, but nothing he could think of that would have warranted a response like this.

“Uh, excuse me?”

“Why won’t you talk to me anymore, dude? You’ve been really weird.”

Well, crap. EJ had thought no one would have noticed until after he had resolved his personal issues, but he didn’t want to lose Ricky as a friend over this.

“I talk to you. I’ve just been really busy, what with more water polo practices since we might get to go to state. What’s wrong?”

Ricky apparently took that as an invitation and sat down next to EJ. “Look, I know you have a lot of stuff going on, but you’ve been acting really weird. I know I’m busy too, but you know that you can talk to me about anything, right dude?”

And EJ wanted to talk to Ricky about this stuff, he really did, but he didn’t have a choice. He may have gone through that period of extreme truthfulness, but that came back and bit him. He couldn’t tell the truth, not if he wanted to remain friends with Ricky, and he did. This was something that Ricky could never learn the truth about. EJ might have no clue what he was doing, but he knew that he had to avoid this, at all costs.

“Of course, dude. Did you want to get together this weekend and play fortnite?”

Ricky’s face lit up, and EJ couldn’t help but to grin alongside him. “Yeah, definitely! Wait, let me check my calendar.”

The other boy took out his phone, tapping through some things before frowning. “I’m supposed to hang out with Adam this weekend. But maybe after school this week? Or we can do next weekend?”

EJ tried not to react. He hated this, but more than that, he was pretty sure he hated himself. “I can’t do after school. Water polo is going to kill me. But next weekend, for sure.”

He pasted a grin on his face, hoping that Ricky wouldn’t question it.

Ricky didn’t seem to notice though. “Awesome, dude. But, good luck on your water polo stuff. You’ve looked really stressed for a while. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, absolutely. Just sports stuff.”

Usually, this was where EJ would tease the other boy for being a skater instead of a “real athlete”, but he couldn’t do it. He was just so tired of being EJ Caswell.

Ricky gave him another smile, and looked like he would say something else when Miss Jenn swept into the room to begin practice, just in time. EJ had no clue what to say to Ricky anymore.

And now, EJ had a deadline. He had to get over his dumb homophobic stuff by next weekend. Though, after this month, that would definitely be a lot easier said than done.

He couldn’t do this by himself, no matter how much he wanted to keep his dumb stuff to himself. He would have to ask for help.

Unfortunately, there didn’t seem like an easy answer for who to ask. Ashlyn would always tell him the truth, but he couldn’t put her through that. Once this was over, he never wanted to think about it again, and while Ash was awesome, she’d never forget. There was also the possibility she’d mention in front of her boyfriend, Big Red, who would have to tell Ricky since they were best friends. This was a mess, and he couldn’t even talk to his cousin about it, which sucked.

Part of him wanted to text Nini to ask her about what to do, but he didn’t want to distract her or make her homesick. She was off doing great things in Denver and while EJ knew everyone missed her and she missed everyone, he thought it might be weird, her two ex boyfriends having drama when she wasn’t even there. It wouldn’t be fair to her. On a more selfish note, EJ just didn’t want her getting involved, though he wasn’t sure why.

That left only one more option that he could think of, that EJ would have to ask after practice today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter before I found out what the season 2 musical is going to be, so there aren't any mentions of specifics. Thank you for reading and sticking with this. Updates are going to be slower than I'd prefer, but I will finish!


	3. Chapter 3

“Carlos, I need your help.”

The other boy looked shocked. EJ had pulled him aside after practice. He didn’t want everyone else to know about this conversation, and he knew some of his cast mates would try to listen in otherwise.

“Uh, okay. Is this about the choreography? Because we can definitely practice that.”

“No, it’s about, uh, well, I don’t really want to talk about this where I can be overheard.”

“Is Sebbie okay to hear about this? He’s coming over tonight if you want to drop by.”

“I don’t want to take away time from your boyfriend. It can wait. I’ve been waiting, so a few more days won’t make a difference.”

“Okay? EJ, do you need to sit down? You look sick.”

“I’m fine, really. I just, well, I’ll talk about it later.”

Though, really, EJ had no intention of talking about it later. Heck, he regretted even bringing it up at all. Did he need help? Yes, but he had no clue what he was doing, but actually talking to someone about it? That didn’t make anything easier. He didn’t know what he could do to solve this, and had exhausted every single idea that he had come up with, and yet nothing seemed to help.

Ugh, what was he even doing? EJ kind of wanted to bash in his head, because all of this was just so dumb. He didn’t have any answers anymore.

Why couldn’t he get over this? There was no reason he shouldn’t have been able to do so, even if he was a bad person. And EJ kind of felt like a bad person. He should be better than this. EJ had never been concerned that he might be homophobic before. Why did all of this have to start now? Besides ruining his life, because if Ricky or the theater found out about this, EJ would spend the rest of his senior year completely alone.

So that wasn’t an option, but that didn’t actually help him figure out what he should do. He knew that he had been acting weird around Ricky, but he was afraid of how he might react when Ricky brought up his boyfriend. This just wasn’t fair. He had hoped that Ricky wouldn’t notice EJ keeping his space, but that one clearly hadn’t been able to work out.

What was Plan B then? Probably asking for help, but EJ just couldn’t do that. He had tried, and failed, and honestly, EJ didn’t know if there was anyone that he could ask about this.

Plan C then. Because somehow, he had to fix this, to fix his head. He had made a lot of mistakes in his life, especially considering that he still wasn’t technically an adult, but that stuff didn’t matter now. He had to be better, no matter what. He didn’t want to lose everything that he had just fixed.

He pulled out his phone, tempted to text Nini. At least he wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in her eyes if he texted her about it. And it might be easier to keep details vague.

But then there were Nini’s moms. He couldn’t drop something like that on her. She had to deal with homophobia already, and she didn’t need to deal with EJ’s idiocy.

EJ didn’t know what the right choice would be, but he kind of felt in trouble no matter what he used attempts to get out of this mess. Why did things just have to be so complicated? He hadn’t asked for this. He was almost done with senior year and wanted to enjoy that, not spend his time worrying about what an awful person he was, especially since it wasn’t like he did this intentionally, unlike the other major mistakes in his life he had made.

He honestly had never thought he could be homophobic. After all, this was 2020. People were born the way they were, and should be accepted for it. But EJ just couldn’t get over this one little thing, and he didn’t understand why. What was it about this situation, and how was he supposed to change it? Because Ricky couldn’t find out. He didn’t want his cousin to find out. So many people were off the table, so it wasn’t like he wanted to be homophobic or biphobic or whatever, but how was he supposed to fix this mess in his head?

In a situation like this, how was he supposed to even begin to deal with this stuff? It was just all too much, but he didn’t have any other options anymore, other than just to keep on going and hope that in the long run, this stuff was going to be resolved. He had no clue what he was doing, but that was just going to have to be good enough.

EJ hadn’t disliked himself this much since he realized all the mistakes, lying, and cheating that he had built his life and status on. He had been trying to change, but maybe it was too late for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I know this chapter's a little short, so hopefully I'll have the next one up soon.
> 
> Also, season two is wayyyy too far away but I can't wait for it.


	4. Chapter 4

EJ had plans with Ricky tomorrow, and he still had no clue what he was going to do, because the awful thoughts he had when thinking of Ricky with his boyfriend still didn’t abide.

He hadn’t told anyone, because he wasn’t an idiot. He knew his reputation sucked, but that was one thing that he didn’t want attached to it. He wanted to be better than this. He had to be better than this. He was out of any other options.

But that didn’t change the fact that EJ on his own still hadn’t been able to come up with a solution to his problem. He was still in as much trouble as he had been in, and it looked like nothing would actually solve that.

This wasn’t like the other problems EJ had had before. Yes, this was also of his own making, but there also just wasn’t an easy way out of it. He had thought and brainstormed and tried to plan for weeks, but nothing had made it better. EJ was still stuck in the same problem that he had been for a few months now. For the whole semester. This wasn’t how he wanted to spend his last few months in high school.

But, maybe, it was time to resort to things he hadn’t wanted to. Sure, he didn’t want people thinking he was a homophobe, but if he could tell only one person and if they could keep their mouth shut about it...

That left the question of whom to ask for advice from, which EJ wasn’t really sure about. Ashlyn was the person who he went to about most of his problems, but she also had the disadvantage that as cousins, they were going to have a relationship for far beyond high school, and EJ really didn’t want to have her hate him for the rest of his life.

Of the other people who he could see himself talking to because he was close enough with, that was Nini and Carlos, but maybe being close to them was a problem, since EJ didn’t want to destroy those relationships either.

So, who did that leave? Obviously not any of his water polo friends, so someone in East High theater, probably. They knew the situation, but EJ knew they all would side with Ricky. Sure, the other boy was in the right, but EJ didn’t need to be judged. This whole situation was just so messy, but he had no clue how he was even supposed to begin to fix any of it, probably because there wasn’t a way. He had gotten himself into this mess. Somehow, he needed to figure out a way to get out of it.

But that didn’t help the situation for right now. He still had to find a way to avoid Ricky finding out. He didn’t want to hurt the other boy. He didn’t want to hurt himself either, though it was becoming more and more apparent that whatever he ended up doing, it would be messy. There wouldn’t be a pleasant solution here, no matter what. EJ was going to have to give up his friendship with Ricky, probably. He had no clue what else to do. Why had he let himself get into this situation in the first place? Sure, he couldn’t control it, but whatever he was feeling, this whole thing just wasn’t right.

He didn’t like not knowing what to do, and lately, it seemed like that applied to just about everything else going on in his life right now. He was in his last semester of high school, moving onto college next year, but it was like none of that actually mattered. Once he was gone, all of his friends would just move on without him, since they’d still be together in high school. Was he ever really a part of them?

Well, it didn’t matter if he was a part of their theater kid group, because if they found out, he definitely wouldn’t be anymore. Ricky was a better person than EJ could ever be. And EJ, he was just the slightly older kid who couldn’t have friends in his own graduating class. He had lost most of his water polo friends after the admitting every time he lost in water polo moment. And wasn’t that a mistake, in more ways than one. It wasn’t going to be much worse than this.

That didn’t fix his issues for right now though, unfortunately. He still had this semester to get through.

Also, he didn’t want to have to give up everything. That just wasn’t fair. He had so many things he wanted to do, and overall, just be able to enjoy his time here. It just wasn’t fair, but it wasn’t as if there was anything out there that he could do about it. It sucked, but he had to do something. Inaction was a choice, too. And EJ wanted to do something. The only problem was that he wanted to actually be able to do the right thing for once, and he had no idea what the right thing would even be.

He had to get this off his chest though. It hurt, but he was pretty sure that everyone knew something was wrong. It had been getting harder and harder to hide, especially since he spent time with people who actually cared about him.

But, it hadn’t worked, all those times he had tried to force it off on someone else. He kept on trying to figure out who he should talk to about this mess, and yet every single time, he freaked out and couldn’t go through with it. No matter who EJ wanted to talk to, he kept on coming up with endless reasons to not talk to that person.

This was it. EJ couldn’t take it anymore. It was incredibly stupid, and more likely than not would end up exploding in his face, but it just had to be done. EJ had done a lot of stupid things in his life, so what was one more?

He knew what he had to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I doubt I'll be able to post again for at least a week (exams yay) but thanks for sticking with me.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a lot later than he really should have been out, but it had to be done.

EJ had walked to the park and was now sitting on a bench. He couldn’t wait. If he waited, then he was just going to chicken out, so whatever would happen because of it, he would start it now. All of this, the mess of the last month, it had all come to this.

Honestly, EJ was terrified. His text was vague, asking to meet at the park, and while he knew that it would happen since he asked, he was still shocked at the affirmative text response.

It was a small comfort, but at least soon, this was all going to be over with, for better or for worse, even though he knew that it wasn’t going to be good. EJ just had to get it all over with. Everything was so nerve-wracking. He wasn’t good at stuff like this, and while it definitely sucked, he just had to think of the good things.

Though, after this, there might not be many good things left.

EJ knew that he was about to burn some bridges. He had to tell the truth. He had gone overboard with the confession thing last semester, but this was the only thing he could do.

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. At least this part would be over soon. He couldn’t foresee any of it going well, but at least then, it was all going to be over with. He just couldn’t take this anymore. At the very least, it was all going to be over soon, and maybe that was all that he could hope for.

There was just so much going on, and yet, he had no clue what to do. He often felt stupid, even though he knew that he was supposed to be smart. And EJ made a lot of mistakes. It didn’t make sense all the time, because sometimes he just knew that he would do something wrong, and then he went right ahead and did it. Why did things have to be like this? It all just wasn’t fair.

EJ must have lost track of time, sitting there on a park bench in the dark with his eyes shut. That was probably really dumb, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. But he opened his eyes when he heard the crunch of frozen leaves, and opened his eyes to see Ricky.

He smiled, knowing that this would probably be the last time that doing something like that wouldn’t be perceived as something other than what it was- a smile between friends. Because after he did this, EJ knew that Ricky wouldn’t believe that they were friends anymore.

“EJ, you okay dude?” Ricky said, before taking a seat next to him on the bench.

EJ tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Why did this have to be so hard? 

When he didn’t say anything, Ricky jumped in again. The other boy didn’t like silence like this, when there was nothing else to distract him. “This just isn’t like you. You’ve been acting really weird. I asked Ashlyn, and she didn’t know anything. So, what’s going on? You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

And EJ knew that Ricky thought this, but it wasn’t true. This wasn’t something that he should be telling Ricky, but he was all out of options, and he couldn’t keep it a secret forever. It would break apart their friendship if he didn’t tell anyone, so he might as well tell the truth. It was the only thing left in his control, and Ricky deserved to have to truth. Even an ugly truth such as this.

“I’m sorry,” EJ said, staring down at his lap so he didn’t have to see Ricky’s face. “I was trying to get over it, but I can’t.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ricky start to move, probably to put a hand on his shoulder or something, but EJ scooted away. He didn’t deserve comfort especially not from Ricky. Geez, he was such a bad person. But he had to get this over with.

“I can’t support you and your boyfriend, okay? I just fucking can’t. I tried, and failed, but I just can’t do it.”

EJ stood up, turning away from Ricky. He couldn’t look at the other boy right now, so he was just going to look anywhere but here. This was just all that he still had left to do, and then it would all be over. This just went to show that no one could ever change. 

“EJ, I-“ Ricky started from behind him, but EJ just couldn’t listen to it. This had been hard enough. He didn’t need Ricky to tell him how much of a dick he was. EJ already knew.

“I don’t want to hear it, Ricky,” EJ snapped, knowing it came out harsher than he intended, but he just couldn’t care anymore. His eyes were started to get wet, and he wasn’t going to show that. “Bye.”

And with that, he took off towards his car. EJ had parked it as close as possible, so he wouldn’t have to be here longer than he had to. 

He couldn’t look at Ricky, couldn’t see the look of betrayal that EJ was sure was on the other boy’s face. He couldn’t talk to him either. EJ knew this was all his fault, and he didn’t want to hear it, especially from Ricky. He was done.

EJ didn’t want to think about what would happen now. He hated this, but there just wasn’t else for him to do. It was over. Everything that he thought he could be, that was just gone. 

Though, he wasn’t back to the EJ he had been before. Something had changed, even if he wasn’t sure exactly what that could be. He never wanted to be that more than now though. Because the old EJ wouldn’t care about this. Nothing could stop him. Sure, past EJ wasn’t a very good person, but neither was present EJ. 

When he reached his car, he immediately started it. EJ had to get out of here, and he didn’t want to give Ricky a chance to catch up.

It was selfish to not let Ricky talk about what an awful friend EJ was being, but he just couldn’t take this right now. He already knew how awful he was acting, and he didn’t want to have to hear it from EJ.

All of this was over. EJ didn’t feel better about it, but at least everything was out in the open now. That had to count for something, right?

School and rehearsal would be awful. He knew that everyone would find out about it. But EJ was just going to have to get tough. He didn’t care what these people thought of him before they were friends, and since they would no longer be friends, he shouldn’t care about it either.

Well, it was a good thing that he was an actor, because he would have to act like it didn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EJ finally did the thing! Next chapter continues the trend of EJ-ness, though maybe he actually is able to figure out a thing or two. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

EJ had made himself so worried with anticipation of what was coming that Monday that he made himself sick. He still wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but at least he wasn’t going to have to face Ricky for at least one more day.

He had kept his phone turned off since that night. It wasn’t like he had anyone to text, and he had already lost his instagram popularity. He didn’t really have a whole lot going for him anymore. It wasn’t like anyone was going to ask him to do anything. Even if they did, he definitely wasn’t going to take anyone up on that. Most importantly, he just wanted to be able to stay out of all of this mess. It really sucked, but right now, there wasn’t anything else for him to do about it.

EJ was lying on the couch, watching some crap tv show on Netflix just to pass the time. His head hurt. He had his schoolbag at his feet, but he didn’t feel like working. He didn’t really feel like doing much of anything. Besides, now that he wasn’t going to have any friends, he’d have plenty of time to work on it.

When he heard the front door open, he didn’t bother to look up. Probably one of his parents had come home from work early. He didn’t really care.

What EJ didn’t expect was Ashlyn, making her way around the couch. He scrambled into a seated position. “Ash, hey. What are you doing here?”

EJ’s heart sunk. He was pretty sure he knew why his cousin would be here. She must have heard about what EJ did and was here to yell at him. Sure, he couldn’t blame her, or Ricky for telling them. He knew all too well that he was in the wrong.

Ashlyn sat next to him on the couch. “EJ, look, what’s going on? I can’t just sit by and let you be an idiot.”

He frowned. “Wait, what? Why?”

She sighed. “Ricky.”

So yeah, she had heard something, but why exactly was it that she thought he was being an idiot this time. He had just told the truth, which was something that he thought that he was supposed to do. She had wanted him to tell Nini about the phone situation. So what was so wrong about this? Either way, he was still a jerk.

Looking back, EJ was kind of a jerk a whole lot of the time.

Though, that did lead him to the question of what exactly he was supposed to say now. Was there actually any sense in lying? He didn’t know how much Ricky would have told everyone. Ricky wasn’t the jerk in this situation, so EJ honestly had no idea. There was just so much going on, but this was just going to have to work out.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but it has to stop. You’re upset, Ricky’s upset, and there’s something going on between you two that none of the rest of us know about.

EJ just shrugged, being sure not to make eye contact. This just was not an option now. He had no idea what he was doing, but he definitely wasn’t doing it all well.

Ash sighed. “EJ, you can’t just go through all of this again.”

And he still just didn’t know how to respond. Sure, he knew that he should say something, but that didn’t make this stuff any easier.

“I’m not doing anything, Ash.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know exactly what you’re doing. Or maybe you don’t, and that’s the problem. All I’m going to say EJ, is that if you don’t get your head screwed on straight, you’re going to ruin one of the best things that ever happened to you.”

“I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about, Ash,” EJ said, trying to resist the urge to roll his eyes. He loved his cousin, but sometimes, she was a little bit too much into the theatrics, even considering that he was in the drama program too.

And, it wasn’t as if he did know what she was talking about. EJ already knew that he was the problem in this situation, but that was why he had tried to remove himself. There was no since making everyone else uncomfortable for something that was very clearly his fault. That just wouldn’t be fair to them. EJ was the one who was at fault, so obviously he was the one who should be taking responsibility for all of this.

Ashlyn grabbed his shoulders. “Look, you need to talk to Ricky okay? Sort yourself out, and then go have a real conversation with Ricky.”

“I did talk to Ricky!” EJ said, trying to protest even though he knew that it would be pointless against her.

“I doubt it. You’re really bad at that. And you need to talk to him about what’s really going on and listen to him.”

She interrupted him before he could protest again. “And before you say I talked to him again, you obviously didn’t have a conversation, or else he wouldn’t be so upset and I wouldn’t be here.”

And maybe, Ash did have a point. He had run away last time, but that was because he didn’t want to see Ricky’s reaction. Okay, he was scared of what the other boy would think. Just because he had to destroy that friendship for the good of Ricky didn’t mean that he had wanted to. He just didn’t want to hurt the other boy.

Really, that only left EJ with one more option. He had told Ricky what was going on, but maybe the other boy deserved a chance to say his piece as well. Sure, the words were going to hurt, but EJ should be able to handle it. He didn’t actually know if he could, but that wasn’t what mattered. He had to do what was best for Ricky, and if Ricky wanted to talk about it, then EJ would have to as well, no matter how much it hurt.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him.”

Ashlyn’s face immediately brightened. “Wow, that was a lot easier to convince you then I thought it was going to be.”

The girl started walking towards the front door before she turned around. “Oh, by the way, Ricky’ll be here in 10 minutes. This didn’t take as long as I thought it would. But try not to run away this time, okay? And try to think about what you want in the meantime.”

And with that, she was gone, leaving EJ with a sense of impending dread, and ten minutes before his world exploded. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so long! Online classes have been taking a lot out of me, but I'm working on it. Also all of my creative energy felt destroyed with the whole leaving home thing. But despite setbacks, here's the chapter (completely unedited sorry). I'm hoping for only a couple more chapters and then we'll be done. Thanks for sticking with me!


	7. Chapter 7

EJ knew that he needed to think of what to do, but right now, he was frozen to the spot. He had no idea what to do. It had been nerve wracking enough, trying to talk to Ricky about all this stuff the first time, and he honestly doubted that he’d ever be able to take care of all of it again. That just wasn’t going to work out.

He couldn’t leave though. He didn’t know whether he could handle this, but leaving was not an option. He had to stay here, no matter what Ricky told him. No matter how much it hurt.

The doorbell chimed, and even though EJ knew that he had to answer it, he was frozen to his spot. He didn’t know how he could do this. He was supposed to be the selfish one, and that should mean that he didn’t have to deal with this stuff. He didn’t even know if he could. All of this stuff, it was overwhelming and the boy had no idea how he was supposed to be able to handle any of it.

He was frozen instead, unable to move, but apparently Ashlyn had left the door unlocked when she left, because he could hear the door opening.

EJ wanted to call out, but he found his words stuck in his throat. This entire situation was awful, and he just couldn’t handle it.

Ricky walked into the room, and EJ was frozen in his spot at the sight of the other boy. 

The other boy paused for a moment, before coming to sit next to EJ on the couch.

For a moment, neither of them said anything. EJ was unable to, even though he was pretty sure that he should apologize for his actions the day before. Instead, he just sat there, staring down at his lap.

Ricky cleared his throat, but EJ still refused to look at him. All of this stuff, it was way too overwhelming, but he just had to deal with it. It felt practically impossible, but that was just going to have to be good enough.

“So, uh, you kinda dropped a bomb on me the other night. And honestly, I don’t get it. What exactly do you mean?”

EJ shrugged. “I said what I meant.”

“But I don’t get it. Why can’t you?”

He shrugged again, all too aware of everything his body was doing and how uncomfortable he was feeling right now, only inches away from the other boy. “I don’t know. I guess homophobia or something. But that’s not your problem.”

Ricky frowned, as if he was considering something. “Wait, you’re not homophobic.”

“Well clearly I am, or else I would actually be able to support you and that boy,” EJ snapped, the words coming out harsher than he had initially intended.

“Okay this is going to sound weird, but Ashlyn said you might be jealous? I don’t know, I didn’t really get it.”

EJ frowned. “Why would I be jealous of you? I want you to be happy.”

Ricky shrugged. “I don’t know. But, like, I was finally able to get over Nini. And you dated a ton of people in high school, but no one since her.”

And while the other boy had a point on that front, EJ still just didn’t know. “Wait, what else did Ash say to you? All she told me was that I was being an idiot and needed to figure out what I was doing. Then she said that I needed to talk to you.”

Even though the circumstances were incredibly uncomfortable, this was better than it had been. Because EJ really did miss talking to Ricky, and he hadn’t been able to, too afraid of everything else that was going on between them to even attempt something else.

Ricky bit his lip, and EJ looked away from the other boy. “Okay, no offense EJ, but you’re kind of an idiot about a lot of things, so that doesn’t exactly narrow it down.”

“I mean, I guess that’s fair.”

“Okay, so you’re doing something... I mean, I honestly have no idea.”

EJ nodded, turning back to face the other boy. “We could call Ash?’

Ricky nodded. “Probably our best choice. Because honestly dude, I have no clue.”

He pulled out his phone, calling Ash as he turned the volume onto speakerphone. It rang and rang, but his cousin didn’t pick up, so EJ called her back. This time, she answered. 

“Did you guys finally figure it out?”

“Hey, Ash.”

There was a loud sigh from the other end of the phone. “I’m taking that as a no.”

Ricky spoke up. “That’s definitely a no. Hi Ashlyn.”

“Okay, so I just can’t with this anymore. You’re both idiots. Point one, both of you need to look a picture of Ricky’s boyfriend.”

“Um, actually it’s ex boyfriend.”

EJ’s head shot up to look at the other boy at that, even though he didn’t know why. Ricky shrugged. “It’s not because of this. Just, other things, you know?”

Ashlyn’s voice came back through the phone. “Okay, great. That simplifies things. Look at his picture now though.”

Ricky got on his phone, pulling up a picture of his now ex, holding it up to show EJ. EJ didn’t get the point of this exercise at all. It was just so dumb. They had already established that EJ didn’t like looking at the two of them together. Why would this be any different?"

“Alright, Ricky, I want you to look at the pic of that boy, and then between him and EJ, alright? Do you notice anything?”

Ricky followed the instructions for a few seconds before shrugging. “Wait, what was I supposed to get out of this?”

Another loud sigh came through the phone. “Geez, you’re both idiots. Well, this isn’t working. Ricky, you were literally dating a guy who looked like EJ. EJ, you were jealous that Ricky was dating a different guy instead of dating you. Alright, byeeee! Figure this out!”

And with that, Ashlyn hung up the phone, leaving Ricky and EJ staring at each other, both boys open mouthed in shock.


	8. Chapter 8

EJ didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to think. Was this even right? He didn’t know. He trusted his cousin though, so that meant that he should say something, right?

The only problem was that he had absolutely no idea what to do or think anymore. None of this made any sense anymore, but that didn’t actually make it any easier.

He refused to make eye contact with the boy on the other side of the couch, unsure of what to do or even what to think anymore. It didn’t make sense, any of this.

Except, maybe it did, or at least make a little sense. Because yeah, he had never had a problem with any of the other LGBTQ kids before, not until Ricky got himself a boyfriend.

And he did think Ricky was cute, and he cared about the other boy’s feelings, which was how he got into this total mess in the first place. But did all that really mean that he had a crush on Ricky? EJ had no idea. Every time in the past that he was interested in a girl, he just went for it, and it almost always happened. After all, he was EJ Caswell, captain of the water polo team and lead in many high school musicals (just not the High School Musical). He had always gotten any girl he had ever wanted.

EJ definitely was interested in girls. He knew that, even though some of his relationships had ended in disaster. Speaking of which, back when he was dating Nini, he had been jealous of Ricky then. He knew that. It was just everything since then that didn’t make sense anymore, like his life had been rolled upside down.

But where did this leave him now? Sure, everything made sense up until a point, but what exactly was it that ended up happening after this point? There just weren’t any good answers, nothing that EJ was actually able to make any sense of. Things were just so complicated.

He didn’t look at Ricky, trying to figure out what was going on. Sure, maybe it would make more sense from an outside point of view. It was definitely true that he was fine with other people dating people of the same gender. So what made Ricky different?

Jealousy was definitely a plausible solution, but that didn’t automatically mean that it was the right one. It still could be almost anything. Things did not magically become resolved with one thign going right.

As for Ricky’s boyfriend looking like him, EJ just didn’t know if he saw it. Sure, he had only seen a picture of the guy a few times (because he tried to avoid it at almost all costs), but that wasn’t actually the point anymore. Things just got to be so much up at some point. And now that he was here, he just didn’t know what to do about any of this stuff anymore. It was an impossible situation, but one that he would somehow have to come up with some way to resolve.

He heard Ricky shuffling next to him on the couch, but EJ still didn’t look up. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say, or even what to think. But he knew that he would have to come up with something sooner rather than later.

At the very least, Ricky was EJ’s friend, and EJ didn’t want to lose that, no matter what anyone else might think. But still, he needed an answer, and EJ needed to come up with the right way to say it.

He continued staring at his lap, contemplating what exactly it was that he should say, how he should be able to come up with an answer for a question that he had never even considered as an option before.

Ricky was definitely cute. That much was for sure. He could see that, but surely straight guys would be able to see that too?

The other boy cleared his throat. “So, uh, EJ?”

EJ looked up, knowing that he couldn’t put this off any longer, even though he didn’t know what to say or think. “Yeah?”

Ricky bit his lip, drawing EJ’s eyes towards the other boy’s mouth. “I want to try something, okay?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Uh, okay, I guess?”

Ricky leaned forward, enveloping EJ’s mouth in a kiss.

For a second, EJ was surprised, before he found a sense of himself again, his arms automatically moving, one to bury itself in Ricky’s hair and the other wrapping around his back. Their lips moved in tandem.

Ricky pulled back, and EJ looked over at the boy across the couch. Ricky’s face was flushed, his lips red, and EJ was sure that his own face was looking about the same way. 

The other boy started. “So, uh.”

EJ nodded. “Yeah. That was, uh, fun. Want to do it again sometime?”

“Uh, yeah. Wait, are you asking if...?” Ricky said, trailing off.

“Yeah. Wait, let me ask this right. Ricky Bowen, do you want to be my boyfriend and go on a date with me?”

Ricky grinned, his entire face lighting up as he threw his arms around EJ. “Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and staying with me! No current plans for another fic here, but I can't wait until season 2 is released.

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, all mistakes are my own. School is stressful so no promises on how often I'll update, but hopefully a lot. Title comes from Wicked's "I'm Not That Girl" because I like those vibes for this story.


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